Fee Fi Fo Fum, ask not whence the thunder come. Ask only when this movie will be done. For between Heaven and Earth is a perilous place, home to a fearsome giant race. This movie will continue at a very slow pace. The giants hunger to conquer mortals below as they wait for the seeds of revenge to grow. You should never pay to see this wretched show.
‘Jack the Giant Slayer,’ directed by Bryan Singer, is loosely based on the children’s story Jack and the Beanstalk, but the beanstalk is really where this fairy tale grows out of place. This movie joins the rest of the crowd of alternate fairy tale remakes but it is nowhere near the best one out there. It takes place in the mythical Kingdom of Cloister, hundreds of years before the present. The plot surrounds Jack, played by Nicholas Holt, who begins as a young farm boy intently listening to his father tell him the legendary stories of Erik, the king who slayed the giants long ago. Ten years later, Jack goes into town to sell his horse to support his uncle, ends up with magic beans, and the rest is legend. Well, except the part where princess Isabell, played by Eleanor Tomlinson, ends up at his house which then flies into the sky. The king sends his army and Jack up to save her even though the impending doom of giants flying down from the sky is floating above them.
There is a “secret” love story that is really quite obvious. The romance is pretty thin and easygoing – no love triangle and hardly anyone to tear them apart. Two people that can never end up together… Oh please, no one is buying that anymore. The normal story of a princess and a peasant falling in love with one another is present without any big surprises. The plot itself provides few unexpected turns.
The movie pace was a terrible thing of its own. Just when you thought it was over, there was still plenty more they threw in, and not in a “Dark Knight Rises” kind of way. It was more of the same each time. The movie would not end even when you willed it to with all your might. They defeated the giants and it was like they kept coming back for more. It could have been a trilogy and then I would have known not to pay to see the other movies.
One of the few things done right in this movie is the scenery. Upon reaching the top of the beanstalk there are breath-taking views that only seem to get better as the story progresses. The waterfalls, valleys and floating islands seem to really exist upon the beanstalk. Each twist and turn reveals an enchanting part of this island. While the scenery is quite great, the other CGI is somewhat odd. The giants look like overgrown, muddled alien babies and some of them look half-finished compared to similar recent films. When they are put upon the backdrop of a realistic, beautiful floating island there is an odd disconnect between creatures and environment.
The seemingly family-oriented movie drops a random f-bomb at the very end of the movie which serves no real purpose. It was like a child wanted to be a rebel and say it just one time so he could feel like he had power. Why? Why would the movie make such an effort for a cheap laugh? It was completely unnecessary.
I recommend you spend your time and money somewhere else unless fairy tale Hollywood remakes are where your heart lies. This isn’t a movie I would pay to see twice or bother to see for free so I discourage anyone else from wasting their time on it. A beautiful-looking movie with a story that drags on forever and horrible CGI baby-giants isn’t worth your time.
