I trek alone through deserted tundra wastelands, my trusty companion T7-01 by my side. Taking pains to avoid a distant Wampa, I creep to the Imperial patrol and fire up my dual lightsabers. Leaping through the air, I crash into the unsuspecting Imperial Scouts, but quickly find myself outmatched as reinforcements rain from the sky above. Despite T7’s best attempts to heal me, first the valiant droid then myself fall to the unyielding Imperial fire. A message appears on my screen, reading “You have been defeated” and asking “how do you want to be revived?” I grunt once in annoyance before clicking “return to medicenter,” and prepare for the long hike back from the respawn point. Such is the life of one of the few players left on the servers of Star Wars: The Old Republic.

SWTOR is objectively a horrible game. When it was released in 2011, Bioware hyped the game with brilliant trailers which made the massively multiplayer online game look original and groundbreaking. SWTOR is neither. In its mechanics, The Old Republic is an unabashed, botched World of Warcraft clone, and in other aspects it’s even worse.

The difficulty of the game is essentially nonexistent at first, until the player hits a random difficulty curve, leaving them dead before they know what is happening, and the random spikes in difficulty are compounded by one of the harshest pay walls in gaming. Want to level up past 54? Buy the expansion. Find some gear past level 50 and want to use it? Buy the expansion. Bought the expansion? Buy the next expansion. I wouldn’t mind the pay to play mechanics so much if SWTOR wasn’t marketed as free to play.

In The Old Republic’s defense, the game does have certain interesting features. Each quest comes with fully voiced characters who make the game’s world, or worlds feel truly lived in in an unparalleled manner, which is excellent, seeing how SWTOR is set in the same universe as the “Star Wars” films. The game does a wondrous job capturing the feel of Star Wars, down to a music score which would not sound out of place in “The Empire Strikes Back.”

Bioware’s usual excellent storytelling is evident in SWTOR, allowing for what feels almost like a single-player roleplaying game in a genre which emphasizes player collaboration. This is fortunate, as at this point the vast majority of The Old Republic’s players have grown tired of the game’s shenanigans, and the servers have become comparable ghost towns.

If this was a game review, I would here write that despite its characters, world and story, Star Wars: The Old Republic fails to overcome its oddly designed difficulty and frustrating pay wall to make for a disappointing game players should neglect for more promising titles. Which is true, anyone interested in SWTOR would be better served by Guild Wars 2 for free and World of Warcraft for payment. But this is not a game review.

I love Star Wars: The Old Republic. I hate myself for loving Star Wars: The Old Republic, but I do, nevertheless. I love continually slamming my head against the pay wall, or hiking halfway across Tatooine after a completely out of place boss sent me back to the medicenter. I love the story I participate in as my Republic Trooper Alistar ascends the ranks from a private fresh out of academy to the captain of Havoc Squad, or my Jedi Knight Ceteran escapes the clutches of the Imperial Emperor. More than any of the above though, I love SWTOR because of just how long I’ve played it and grown with it.

I came to the Old Republic during my freshman year, and it was my introduction to the mmo genre, and online games in general. As the year progressed, the hours I spent blasting Justicars or running from spaceport authorities didn’t change me as a person or shift my worldview, but did build a deep, very unreciprocated love for the game.

The moments I value from my time playing SWTOR do not even approach true experiences. Jaren Tankersley never faced down 20 Tuskan Raiders in one go on Tatooine, nor did he single-handedly save the Galactic Republic. He cannot dual wield lightsabers nor use the force. But Jaren Tankersley did click “return to medicenter” over and again until he bested the White Maw Pirates, and he can delete all his unusable pay to use loot with a smiling face. Those experiences, in whatever small a manner, leave memories, often fond ones.

I look upon Star Wars: The Old Republic less as a game than a place. Like any room, SWTOR has changed but little over the years while I’ve changed immeasurably. Coupled with the thousand-odd memories, pleasant and unpleasant alike, made playing the game, this constancy inspires a feeling of attachment, similar to what I feel when I walk into room 1305 or the high school’s auditorium. The Old Republic is one of the places where I’ve grown up, a part of my hometown, and I will forever love it for that.

But seriously, don’t play Star Wars: The Old Republic, it is an awful game.