There was nothing unusual about that Friday night. A few friends and I had decided to get hamburgers, and there were stories told and careless eruptions of laughter while we ate. The attempt to put the most recent stressful week behind me, though, was interrupted by my cell phone sounding with an alert. Unthinkingly, I checked to see what it was and the lighthearted air I breathed became thick with worry. The scary, emboldened and nerve-wracking words rang loudly from the email: application deadline approaching.

Throughout my high school career, senior year has been hyped as a relaxed time to enjoy our last true years of childhood. Next year, the class of 2014 will be exponentially more independent, whether we all go to college or not. My initial approach for the year was to keep my grades up in a stress-free manner, and really put an effort into spending time with my friends and family for the last year we’ll all be together. As the school year began, I soon realized that was a much simpler concept in theory than in practice. Between standardized tests, scholarship strain and the mounting pressure to decide where the following years of my life will be spent, I am forced to literally schedule my sleeping and eating time. I almost always find myself refraining from the social activity I took for granted in the past because of the constant guilty idea that there’s always something “more important” I should be doing.

As a disclaimer, no one is more excited for college than I am. I am a firm believer that college will actually be some of the best years of my life. I get to choose where I’m educated, the subjects I learn and, largely, what I do with my time. All of this for the low low price of studying for some tests and keeping out of trouble for a little while longer sounded like a dream to me. But with the ever-growing competitive nature of college admissions and the seeming scarcity of attainable scholarships, senior year is, so far, anything but the easy-going wrap-up I had envisioned.

My aforementioned guilt often hinders my ability to be in the moment. Living in the present is an aspect of myself which I’ve always valued, but it’s slipping out of reach lately. I instead find myself worrying about all the essays to write and deadlines to keep in mind rather than listening to a friend’s joke or even having fun at my extra-curricular events.

Recently, though, I realized something very important. I asked myself why I want to go to college so badly and why it means so much to me. This lead to further reflection. Why do I want to do anything I ever do?

The answer is simple: to make myself happy. If fulfillment is what I seek from an education, why don’t I seek that in everything I do? Preparing for a bright future and living solely for it are two vastly different but easily confused things. The struggle to remain balanced should not render me incapable of enjoying myself at all. I now understand a little better that life is a continuous opportunity rather than something to look forward to in the distant future.