When I was younger my definition of a normal family was a biological mom, dad, daughter/sister and son/brother. Now that I’m older I’ve learned there really isn’t such a thing as a normal family. Every family has its own unique issues. But growing up explaining exactly how many issues my family had was not what anyone would call easy.

First of all let me explain how my blended family came to exist. Shortly after my first birthday and my older brother’s third birthday my parents divorced. When I turned four, my mom married my step-dad who had two daughters and a son. One second I was living with one older brother and the next, I had a grand total of four siblings.

I have very few memories of not being part of a blended family, so my take on that family dynamic differs from many. Because I have been with my family for so long the word “step” isn’t used. However labels become important when you make the transition into a blended family. The question of what to call your step-relatives is something that every member of a blended family must come to terms with. It took a few years of confusion and awkward moments to reach a place where they stopped being “step-family” and started being my family.

Along with labels, the simple act of acknowledgement is an issue that must be dealt with. Since my last name is different from my siblings the opportunity to not publicly acknowledge them was always present. The big difference between a biological family and a blended one is that things as simple as acknowledgment and labels don’t come naturally but are something you have to learn to do.

In blended families the term ‘sibling rivalry’ takes on a whole new meaning. At least it did in my family. Jealousy and competition is a huge aspect of everyday life. The biological division creates “teams” that are both determined to beat the other in anything. It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be family arguments, where that unspoken loyalty and bond between members of each part of a blended family comes out. My brother and I would stick together with our mom before we would stand by our step-dad and siblings which created frustration and unfairness. Fights don’t occur very often now because we’re older, somewhat more mature and the two oldest are either living on their own or married. But it’s taken a lot of arguments and compromise to get to a place where we all get along.

All the trials my family has gone through to become the close family we are now haven’t been nearly as hard as losing a core member. My step dad passed away in a fire at my house June 26, 2011. Loss in any family is difficult but with mine it seemed intensified because the one person who brought us all together and connected us was the one we lost. In some ways it has made us stronger while in others it inevitably has broken us. From the government’s perspective, my siblings are no longer legally my siblings, so we had to band together as a family by making a conscious decision to continue to be a family without any requirements or unspoken rule to accept and be together.

My step-dad always strove to achieve, along with the rest of my family, a way to become a true family despite our differences and issues. He believed that no matter what type of family you are, family is family. Families stick together and love one another, despite not always liking each other. A blended family is dysfunctional. No matter who it is or how well they get along there is no avoiding it. I have come to the realization that the dysfunctional aspects of my family is what makes them the people I love most in this world.